In my life, I’ve dated quite a few guys. Not all of these romances made it to the point of long-term relationships, but many of them lasted long enough for me to learn valuable lessons on who I absolutely will never date again. Normally, I’d seriously be pursuing a relationship, but now that I’m in law school, I really don’t have time for that. Letting my life of dating take the back seat has allowed me to reflect on my past mistakes so that I can warn my fellow gays about these potential headaches that they could come across on Tinder, Grindr, or in any other setting. Let’s get started with number one.
1. The Bar Rat
Having fun is essential for happiness, but if a guy’s only method of having fun is to be out multiple times a week getting drunk with a bunch of thirsty guys, we’re going to have a problem. I think going out is great in moderation, but I have seen far too many instances of men who claim they want commitment but then end up constantly apologizing because they kissed, fooled around with, or slept with a guy who they met at the bar.
“Come on, I was drunk. I didn’t mean it.” Do these men think I was born yesterday? I’ve been drunk too, and I know very well that alcohol only makes people do and say what is really on their minds. In other words, he did mean it. Being drunk is just the excuse . . . One that I am tired of hearing.
I have dated multiple people in my life, and I take pride in saying that as of now, at 23, I have never in my life cheated on someone who I was dating. Not even a kiss. With that said, if I care for someone enough to commit to them, the last thing on my mind is going to the gay bar 3 times or more each week to get sloshed with a bunch of horny thots. The solution to this is very simple, if you aren’t ready to settle down, don’t waste the time of someone who is. I’ll never forget when a guy begged me for 2 weeks to go on dates with him, then once we clicked and became more serious, he had sex with someone from the club and proceeded to tell me, “I’m having second thoughts about being in a relationship.” Yeah, no shit.
So how do I prevent this? It’s simple. The moment a guy tells me his favorite hobby is going “clubbing” all week, he’s getting dropped. I don’t have time for that and I’m too sophisticated to allow some immature boy who has no self-restraint to make a fool of me.
2. The Momma’s Boy
I would recommend that every person have a close relationship with their mother, but there is a difference between being close to mom and letting mom run your life. I once dated a guy who was only a year older than me and felt it was okay for his mom to control every aspect of his life, including our relationship. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.
At one point he had a job lined up that he was excited to start. Despite this, his mother told him that she pulled strings to get him a separate interview at a company in his hometown so that he could move back home. When he took the other job instead, she blamed me, saying that I just wanted to control her son and keep him close to me, as if I was the one that pushed him to take the other job. For the rest of our relationship she would constantly nag about other people she knew who might be able to get him a job near home.
If that wasn’t enough, when it was time for him to get a new apartment, she decided to drive over an hour to where he was living to meet with different landlords so that she could decide where he would live. At first this doesn’t sound too bad, but I should probably mention that she did this while he was at work and that he himself didn’t even get to see these apartments. I found this to be ridiculous. What grown man allows his mom to tell him which apartment he’s going to live in, when he’s the one who is going to be paying for it? The thought of it still makes me cringe.
Then, once he and I became more serious things got worse, as she started to interfere in our relationship after his lease was up and he decided to move in with me. One day when he and I got into a fight and I threatened to kick him out, she texted me an hour later saying, “Hi, I’m so sorry the two of you are going through this conflict right now. Let me know if there is any way I can help.” I’m not sure whether she was actually being nice, but it felt more like she wanted me to know that she was aware I threatened to kick her son out. Maybe some guys would be okay with this, but if I’m in a relationship with another adult, I would expect that the two of us decide how to handle our issues. I was dating him, not his mother. But she didn’t hold back. One day she drove up to visit without notice and got mad because I had to work within an hour, and thus, could not accompany them to lunch. The next time I was actually able to have lunch with them, she said, “I’m glad you were able to come this time.” I mean really? Sorry lady, but I’m not going to call off work to gain your approval.
But what is perhaps the biggest problem with guys like this is that fact that they are too scared to tell their mothers when it’s time to back off. This is a grown man we’re talking about. If your mom is constantly interjecting in our relationship to the point that it is causing tension between us, it is your job to tell her she needs to tone it down. Don’t make me do that, because she’s not my mother. It’s not my fault that my mom doesn’t have that problem. That being said, I’ll be damned if I make this mistake twice.
3. The Polyamory Advocate
I once dated a 27-year-old when I was 19 who said he was committed to me and after a month of our relationship, told me that he was previously in an open marriage. He claimed that “mature” people have open relationships because they understand “true honesty.” Don’t get me wrong, if two people want to be in a polyamorous relationship and they can make it work, great for them, but don’t start a relationship with someone who clearly states they want monogamy and then try to sell them the idea of polyamory so that you can sleep with whoever you want.
Despite that he claimed this was such a healthy style of relationship, I called him out and asked, “okay, so if this was so successful then why aren’t you guys together?” He went on to say that his ex was often hurt because he began sleeping with their mutual friends and would “forget to disclose it.” This led to me asking which friends of his he hadn’t slept with. His answer? “None, I’ve pretty much had sex with all of my friends.” That there should have been the nail in the coffin for this toxic romance that we had, but at the time, I thought he was my first love and I tried holding on as hard as I could. This only resulted in me resenting him, as there were plenty of times that he had brought me around friends of his who he had been sleeping with directly before he started dating me. Call me insecure, but I’d prefer to date somebody whose friends haven’t all had a piece of.
The rest of our relationship was marred by fights, some of which became physical, because he would not stop asking me to convert our monogamous relationship to an open relationship. I would decline each time, then later I’d find notes written on the backs of receipts from the wine shop from people who had spent the night while I was back at college. So what exactly am I getting at here? Well, if a person is continuously begging for you to engage in an open relationship while claiming they’re monogamous, it’s probably not true. The real tea is that he has probably been cheating and wants your blessing on this “mature” style of relationship so that he no longer has to feel guilty. I mean let’s be real, he already admitted he “forgot” to tell his ex-spouse that he was having sex with their mutual friends. I’d have to be brainless to believe this style of relationship he wanted was anything near “true honesty.”
But, whatever. You live and you learn. Never again will I entertain a guy who had a long-term open relationship, because clearly there is a commitment issue. If a guy has to be able to sleep with all the gays that he knows in order to remain in a relationship, then we obviously have two different definitions of commitment. Men like this may feel commitment means being in a lasting relationship, but to me commitment means being devoted to one person, both emotionally and sexually. To each his own.
4. The Gaymer
Even typing the word “gaymer” gets me mad all over again. I don’t doubt that men who are gamers can be great boyfriends, it’s just that the one I happened to date annoyed me so badly that I refuse to take the chance again. I like to think of myself as someone who has a lot of different hobbies. I obviously enjoy writing and I also love to read, hike, watch movies, cook, and try out new restaurants. Partaking in each of them keeps me from getting bored, and quite a few of them make me feel productive. That considered, someone who only does one thing every single day is not going to mesh well with me.
Sadly, the “gaymer” was my first true love. Things started off great when we lived apart, because I didn’t fully see him in his daily habitat. Once he and I moved in together, things went left very quickly. I noticed that while I was engaging in different activities each day, he was doing the same exact thing for hours straight. During those first few months of living together, he didn’t have a job because he had just graduated from college and was seeking employment. While he sat home job searching, I would go to class and then go to work after. Little did I know, while I was attending school and working, what he was really doing all day was sitting on his ass playing video games and getting high in my apartment. Not only was this happening when I was in class or at work, but even on the days I had off. I expected that when I finally had spare time, he would want to spend time together and do fun things like we did before cohabitating, but this was only a dream. When I was writing or doing homework, he was smoking and gaming. When I was cooking, he was smoking and gaming. When I was watching movies or television alone, he was smoking and gaming. Basically, when I was doing any activity, he was in our room on the computer smoking and gaming.
To be honest, this was very hard to swallow. It felt like the guy who I was living with was a completely different person from the guy I met at college when we weren’t living together. Prior to cohabitation, we used to do romantic stuff together all the time. This all went out the window once we were living together. Perhaps he felt that since we slept in the same bed each night that we no longer had to communicate or spend quality time with one another. I was obviously not on board with this, because the whole reason why I ever wanted to live together was so that we could see each other more often between my class and work schedules. But we didn’t.
I will not act as though I didn’t know that gaming was his favorite hobby, but I had no idea that gaming was the only thing he did every day. It was very annoying to come home from a 7-hour day of classes or from busting my ass during an 8-hour work shift to find him doing nothing productive. I was always wondering whether there was anything else on Earth that interested him or whether he had any drive at all to engage in an activity that did not consist of sitting in a chair and playing that exact same game. Eventually I just got fed up with it and I broke up with him. It broke my heart to do that because I really did love him more than anything, but I can’t love any person so much that I allow our relationship to come second to computer games and weed. As such, I will not be risking the possibility of repeating this scenario over again by dating a guy whose only hobby is being a “gaymer.”
5. The Public Figure
When it comes to men like this, I now always swipe left. I really don’t get why so many young gay men go on social media and refer to themselves as “public figures” in their profile biographies. B$%@# what do you do again? Do you even know what a public figure is? Does anyone outside of Instagram know of your existence? The only word that correctly describes guys like this is “vain.”
At one point, I had the displeasure of dating one of these so-called “public figures.” He was more concerned about posting the latest selfie than he was about hanging out. Every time that we spent time together, he was handing me his phone and asking me to take a photo of him so that he could post it to social media. There was even a day when he got mad at me because I didn’t “like” his latest Instagram selfie. Half the time he would post pictures of himself engaging in what looked to be fun activities (usually while shirtless), but really he only engaged in that activity until the picture was taken. In other words, this “public figure” was actually just a conceited megalomaniac who was selling a fake lifestyle to his few thousand followers that he believed were his “fans.” No boo boo. Just no.
There was a time when people actually had to have a unique talent or skill to be a “public figure.” Today, all it takes is some followers and thirsty comments and suddenly every twink on Tinder thinks they’re a celebrity. Do guys like this actually think social media followers are interested in who they are as individuals? The hard truth is that these “fans” are only double-tapping and commenting because they see a nice body and think being a kiss-ass is going to result in them getting lucky. Another issue with these “public figures” is that they want to hide the fact that they are dating. They don’t want their “fans” to know they are in a relationship because that lowers the value of this imaginary “brand” of theirs. The saddest aspect of this is that they get mad if you don’t post them on your social media, but make sure that you’re invisible on theirs. It’s tragic.
I don’t want to be with any boy who thinks he’s important because he’s photogenic. So you can take a pretty picture, congratulations, now you can join the millions of other gays on social media who take attractive photos. Sadly for them, looks fade over time, but intelligence, however, is long lasting. I’d much rather put energy into bonding with a guy who is smart and actually excited to spend time with me as opposed to a guy who believes that his pretty face means he doesn’t need to have intellect or make an effort. I would liken my experience in dating this “public figure” type to dating a robot who was programmed to emulate Kim Kardashian’s personality. It had to be one of the least-satisfying relationships I’ve ever had, and therefore, I’ll never take a “public figure” seriously again.
So now you all are thinking one of two things. Some will identify with my experience and agree that one or more of these types are nothing but trouble. The other half of you probably think my standards are too high and that I’m going to be single forever. If you agree with me, I’m with you. If you think my standards are too high, that’s fine too.
Another portion of you might even be offended by this article because I either described you or your man, and in that case, don’t be mad. There are plenty of gays out their who would be completely fine with any of these 5 types of gay men. Therefore, you are in luck, because for every strong-willed gay like me who refuses to settle for less, there is a much more lenient gay who really just doesn’t care.
Still offended? Well I really don’t know what to tell you. The truth hurts doesn’t it? Next.
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